The Accidental White Supremacist

Hey, umm, hi. Hi. I guess you're wondering about, well, about these tattoos. Well, I guess to start, I'm Stewart, Stewart T Goldblum. Hi. I am 43 years old, and I'm from Nipsantucks, Indiana. I am, well, I was, yeah, I was an electronic bank engineer at the Nipsantucks National Bank of Nipsantucks, Indiana. By that, I mean I was the guy that, I guess what you'd call it was, I, well, I, I put the money into the ATMs around town so that, so that people could get money out of their account. Gosh, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just so nervous. I can't really, or shouldn't really be talk, talking to you right now.

Anyway, while I was working as an electronic bank engineer, I was approached by a gentleman that looked a lot like, umm, he, well, he was like Professor X from The X-Men. And he asked me, no that's not right, he, umm, he told me that he had been watch-, watching me for a long time. He asked me a bunch of different questions about my personal belief systems, which I thought was a little weird, to say the least. At the end, he, well, gosh, he told me that I was going to be needed to do some "things" for him. I swore to myself, a long time ago, that all that stuff was behind me. I mean, those kind of things were what got me kicked out of the Nipsantucks Community College for Technology and Trades. Luckily, he just wanted me to steal money from my job, so that was a blessing.

The only thing was, he said, I was going to have to be initiated to his group. He said he was, he was part of the new KKK, and that since I was going to do this, I had to be part of it. I was ok with it, sort of, but I knew I would have to be persuasive cause, well, cause I'm, I'm very, ummm, Jewish.

So, I, well, I went and got initiated, nervously. And then I started working for the man who recruited me. I started small, taking five dollars here and there from my cash bag, but soon, I was, oh God, I was taking over 500 dollars. That was after only a couple of days. The power was exhilarating. After I got a good amount of cash for my man, I was told that I needed to get tattooed. I wasn't particularly happy about the idea, but I needed to go through with the farce. So, I got these tattoos on my, on my face and neck cause I figured that would help my cred. And I got vegan cause, well, cause I'm, I'm a vegan. My new friends thought I was weird but they totally accepted me for who I am. They even gave me a party! Well, a boot party, but still it was a party just for me.

Anyway, so I kept on making money for my new friends and getting random tattoos to show I was really a part of the gang. By the end of my first month, I was bringing in almost 4500 dollars a week. Then I got fired. My employers found out what I was doing and they said I was going to be lucky that they weren't going to file charges. Once I got fired, my new friends, they, well, they, had no more use for me. I had no viable skills for their drug operations or their prostitution rings or the political corruption campaigns. They said I needed to go. So I left but they, they followed me around. I thought once I left that was the end of it but they meant they needed to kill me.

So, here I am. Shaking, scared, and vegan. All Jewish, no filler. And I'm scared, man. I need to get out of the country, or something. I just, I just want to be my good, Jewish self again. My whole life has been such a mistake!

The Rabbi Gone Wild

Shalom, I am Rabbi Haim Sheckleostein, well I used to be a rabbi. I was asked to step out of my role as a rabbi at the Hezbollah Orthodox Jewish Temple when it was discovered that I was embezzling temple funds to pay for my moonshine business. See I'm only half-Jewish, on my mother's side and my daddy was a good ol' country boy from up in the Shenandoah Valley, and them roots run deep. When I was growing up, poor and barefoot in the hills, my mother and father were always having the same old fight. Mother wanted me to attend temple and get involved with the Jewish boys my age while daddy was always trying to pull me into the shiner nation, make me watch Nascar, and learn to snare rabbits for good cookin'.

Early life was a blur of mother and dad fighting, always pulling me in two different directions. And I mean that both figuratively and literally. One time, we were on the sidewalk outside the Mott's 5/10 and they got into a fight about my trying out for youth league baseball. Mother wanted to keep me safe and she thought that anyone who would willingly throw balls at me was mean and needed to be kept as far away from me as possible. Dad, on the other hand, was trying to explain to mother that baseball was a fine sport and was something that every boy, even himself, grew up doing. Mother then pointed out that baseball must be why my dad was such a blockheaded ninnywillows and began to pull me by the wrist toward temple. Dad said there was no way I was no gonna be allowed to play baseball, telling mother that she was a sniveling, uppity, no bacon eating, un-American slagathor, and he grabbed my other arm, trying to jerk me away and take me to the YMCA to sign up for baseball. As he and my mother opposed each other and pulled on me, dad started to get the upper hand, as it were, and my mother lost her grip. Dad ended up flinging me off the sidewalk and down into the street where I got hit by an oncoming bicyclist.

The bicycle slammed into my ribs and flipped over the top of me, and the handlebars came crashing down on my neck. I was pretty much fine, but the girl that was riding the bike got thrown completely off and went flying headlong toward an oncoming truck. Luckily for her, the truck driver saw the accident, and the girl, and swerved to miss her to spare her life. Sadly, when he did that, the truck driver didn't see that there was a fruit cart vendor on the sidewalk that he was headed straight toward. When the truck hit the curb of the street and popped up on to the sidewalk, it slammed right into the fruit cart, sending the vendor and the cart flying. The vendor went slamming backward through the plate glass storefront of the Jenkins Hardware supply store, which was harmless enough, but he landed on a rack of aluminum rakes and punctured his lungs.

Unfortunately, though, the fruit cart and all its' wares were hurled up and forward from the impact, and oranges, lemons, and apples went sailing all over the place. The cart itself was thrown over the tops of the buildings that lined the street and flew, in all its glory, right into the base of the ancient, much beloved, fragile ash tree that the town was founded around. The cart crashed speedily into the bottom third of the ash and splintered the trunk. Of course that caused the ash to fall over, and because it was such a majestic and ancient tree, it was well over one hundred feet tall and very heavy. All that weight crashed to the earth and unfortunately landed on the mayor's 1968 Corvette, right on the trunk.

The Corvette flipped up into the air on impact like it was being thrown from a catapult, or more accurately a trebuchet, and it sailed in a beautiful arc over the Ashtown Savings and Bank, coming to a stop as it careened into the massive stone and iron steeple of the First Episcopal Church of Ashtown. The spire fractured most perfectly and was flung down from its' perch where it slammed into a fire hydrant below. The hydrant, free of its' concrete home, shot off like a rocket from the pressure of the water in the lines under the city streets, and lazered its' way toward the sky. The flight was short lived, and the fire hydrant came crashing down right on top of my mother. She was killed almost instantly, though her legs flew out from under her with the impact and she gave my father one last, good kick in the groin. My father was immediately stricken with pain and grief, but once he regained his composure from the kick he took me to sign up for baseball. While I was doing my tryout to see what team I would be placed on, my dad went to the house to grab a bite to eat. Six hours later, I left the YMCA and struck out for home on foot. I had guessed my dad was home drunk and had forgotten about me. When I got home, though, I found a very different scene. My dad had decided, I guess, that since my mother was no longer with us that he would become a playboy. There were clothes and women everywhere when I got home. I was in shock, not because my dad had decided to sleep with a bunch of women but because there were definitely more women at our house than there were teeth. Dad yelled at me to get out and so I ran away, never to see him again.

I got picked up by the police an hour later, and when they asked me where I lived I told them that I was an orphan and that I had been living at the Heckle & Shmeckle Jewish Home for Displaced and Abandoned Boys. I lived at the home until I was eighteen and was trained in the ways of Rabbi-ery. I felt like this was a good way to honor my tragically killed mother, so it seemed like I would have a good life. Unfortunately for me, you can't always escape your genetic pool - sometimes you just float around and end up drowning in it.

When I was twenty six, I was moved from the temple which I was rabbi over to another temple that was much less fortunate money-wise than where I came from. I started taking small amounts of petty cash - a dollar here, a dollar there just so I could make ends meet. Soon though, I was taking handfuls of cash from the donations boxes and collection plates. I didn't really need much more than a few dollars a week but I was taking nearly a thousand. I didn't know what to do with the extra money so I started trying to honor my father, whom I presumed to be dead by this point, by making some moonshine on the side. It went well at first, I was making just enough for me to have a drink every day and little else. But soon I got the idea to start mass production and sales. I hired a small Jewish boy, Kenneth, and he helped me out by tending the stills when I was teaching classes or was just too drunk to move.

It was Kenneth that got me busted. That little rat fink discovered my stash of excess cash, and because he was good at math figured out that I wasn't selling near enough moonshine to have that kind of money laying around. He turned me in for fraud and lying. And now I get to do the next ten years in a small cell, probably with some sketchy guy named Bo or something equally trashy.....thanks, Kenneth.

The Confused Veteran

Huh?! What did you say?! No, they WANT you to take the rolls!

What?! Oh, oh, sorry. My apologies, young lady. What's that? You're a man?! Certainly not with THAT hair, or those clothes. You look an awful lot like my late wife's macaw. That's a bird, sonny, real colorful like with the feathers sticking up of its' head. Why you wanna dress up like some hussied up streetwalker? Errghhh, whatever, I don't need to hear none o' yer explaining.

The name's Billingsley, Sergeant L. Orville Billingsley, Army Rangers, 9th Airborne Batallion, Charlie Company. And that's how introduce yourself, sonny. None of that, "Sup, doggie doggie, homely G-money" crap! What is wrong with your generation, boy? All of you running around dressing like your women, acting like women, and you ain't even ATTRACTED to women. What is this nonsense? Back in my day, if you were a man, you were a man! You dressed like a man, you loved women like a man, and you WORKED like a man. All you young'uns now want to be paid for doing nothing but being alive, and you walk around listening to that hippity hoppity music all day. It's shameful!

I can't believe I nearly died for this country back in WW2 and now this is what has happened to my beloved country. Boys act like girls, girls act like boys, and all of you think that I'm a problem because I tell you the truth! You got no respect, sonny! If'n you was mine, I'd have left you in the cold Michigan winter naked and seen if you could survive it. That would make you appreciate your life!

So, really, tell me boy, what is it about all this hippity hoppity music, the fru-fru coffee drinks, and them apple macintosh gadgets that make you think you are being a man? I just can't get my head around it. And where do you come off voting Democrat?!! You, your parents, and your illegitimate children that you have on welfare ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Don't you know that all them democrats want is to make you a slave to their government machine?! It's saddens me, but you gonna do what you gonna do I guess.

Well, I guess I wasted enough o' yer time, seein' as you won't listen to reason anyway. Sorry to bother you, girl...uh, boy.

The Misguided Mayoral Candidate

Huh? Who dat? Where am I? Oh, oh, right. Sorry, forgot we was doing a camera thing.

My name is Hendry S. Tacklebottom, and I am running for the office of mayor of Detroit. Now, I know many of you don't know me too well, so let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a lifetime resident here, been through the good times and the bad times - from the days when our city's revenue was in the several millions and then the not-so-good, recent history of our having an overwhelming deficit. When I was born here in the mid-1950's, I remember things being pretty decent and those are the times I would like to return to if elected to the mayorshipness of this fair city.

My personal politics are as follows - I don't like big government, but I know we need to have some sort of controls and measures in place for the safety of our people. My first priority would be to help get all these hooligans and thugs under control with a project I call The Hendry S. Tacklebottom Hooligan Displacement Act.

What this act would do, in effect, would be to round up all the thugs and hooligans that are muckin' up our city streets. How would I do this, you might be asking. Well, I'll tell you. What we gotta do is first get their attention in a big way. My plan includes options for things such as advertising a Nicki Minaj concert downtown and tell them all that at the concert there will be free hot wings and Old English. Now, I know this won't appeal to a vast majority of the thugs we got running around here so, in addition to that, we will also send out the message that Pitbull will also be appearing that same night, and that there will be all the tacos, quesadillas, and Patron you can stomach. And before you go thinking I forgot that we got some other thugs that bother our fine men and women in uniform, we also have plans to announce that ICP and Luke Bryan will be performing a mash-up concert and giving away all the Faygo and Copenhagen you can handle.

Now, once the word spreads of these concerts and our idiotic thugs all cram their way into the downtown area, how are we to get rid of them? It's simple. We will have an elite force of specially trained zoo and animal control workers stationed on the rooftops of the neighboring buildings that will be laying in wait until the signal is given. That signal will be the opening line of the theme song to "Family Ties", since that is the most wholesome show ever to be put on television. As the signal is given, the special animal task force will release hundreds of animal nets from the rooftops and ensnare all the thugs down below. They will fight, of course, but the more they fight the more trapped they will become. Once they all settle down and accept their fate, we will have dump trucks ready to be loaded with the nets full of our pestilential, problematic thug population. The dump trucks will then drive the captive thugs to the riverbank and dump them in the water to be washed away with the tides.

After our thug problem is completely eradicated, our city will once again be able to thrive and I hope to be the one to take us there. I have several ideas to boost the economy, such as new educational techniques for children who struggle with learning. I also would like to stimulate the economic growth through funding many start up businesses that this city desperately needs. I can't get into many specifics there, but in addition to new business, I aim to lower the tax rates citywide. I would like to state that I would seek to impose one new, small tax but that would only affect our streetwalker population. I know many before me have tried to get rid of the streetwalker problem but I seek to embrace them as a viable avenue for tax revenue and would impose a new small business tax on the streetwalker population as I would try to unionize and regulate the whole industry to generate new revenue for the city to improve the working conditions for those folks, like my wife, I mean ummm, the streetwalkers.

Oh, yes, and I also would like to decentralize our police force and offer up a self-trained militia to patrol our streets so that our fine men and women in blue can be better protected from violent crimes.

Thank you, and don't forget to vote for me, Hendry S. Tacklebottom, as your next mayor.

The Tragic Cougar

*hic* Hey *hic* hey, big boy. Why don't you come over here and give Mona a *hic* kiss.

Actua-*hic* actually, my name is Shar-*hic*, Sharleen but I got a feeling that you can *hic* sure enough make me Mona. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHH*hic*HAHAHA! What's that, sug? You wanna know about *hic* about me*hic*? Ok.

Well like I said, my name is Sharleen, Sharleen Shablanksi. I'm 52 years young, sweet thing, and I'm a tigress in bed. Get me between the sheets, I'll be the subject of all your tweets. That's a catchphrase, sweetie, trademark pending. I like to drink, clearly, and I'm always up for a party. I have seven kids from, oh God, like nine different guys but they don't really talk to me anymore - the kids, not the guys. The guys still come after me pretty regularly cause, well, I know you know why, you're looking at me. *rawr*

Huh? Why am I like this? What do you mean, "like this"? I'm white, sugar, ain't no "like this" for me to be, I'm just a privileged alcoholic, so if you don't like it, you can suck it...please! Please suck it. I like my tits to be played with, honeybear. But I guess it really started when I was about 19 years old. See, I moved out of my parents house then because they were trying to make me go to school and get my degree as a doctor. They just wouldn't leave me alone about it and it wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a dancer. Not like a stripper or anything, but a real dancer - like on Broadway. So I moved out of my house and up to New York to try and train with a good studio so I could become famous.

When I got to New York, though, I didn't have a place to live or a job so it was rough going. I would wander the streets all night and all day, trying to get some work so I could make enough to find a place to rent. The upside to that was that I got to know my city very well by walking around all over the place. The downside was that several times a night I was approached by men, sometimes women as well, but mostly men, and asked if I was dtf and what the price would be. This went on for several months and it was flattering but I never really bought into it.

One cold night in November, though, I hastily changed my mind. It was well below freezing and there was a major snow storm going on. I was walking through lower Manhattan and a limo pulled up next to me. I didn't even wait for the man to finish talking, I just jumped right in and we sped away. He was saying something, I don't know what it sounded like Russian or German to me, and I just understood what I was supposed to be doing in that situation so I nervously undid his pants and started getting to work.

He pushed me off and the limo driver rolled down the glass and explained that he just wanted to talk to me at his hotel, not have his way with me. But I just couldn't come to grips with it so once we got to the hotel, he explained that I was going to be his salt-wife. That I was to stay in the hotel, never leave, and always be naked and ready for him when he came home. The first night was awkward but after that, I guess you could say I had my "awakening". I pleased him up and down, left, right, center, nothing was off limits. And he treated me like royalty. Always bought me the best and newest trinkets and things, took me to fancy restaurants, plays, the ballet. It was wonderful. He even put me in his will after a while.

Then, he died. It was tragic. He was on safari in Africa and hunting big game, probably lion or rhino - something exotic, he loved that. Well, I don't know exactly what happened but somehow he had gotten chased up a tree by something and fell. When he landed, he hit his head and was unconscious. As he came to, he didn't know where he was but he heard the crunching of his bones and saw a lion eating his legs. He scrambled for his rifle and picked it up to fire. Unfortunately, in his confused state he didn't realize the rifle was the wrong way around and he shot himself through the stomach with an elephant rifle.

I cried until I couldn't breathe anymore. The next day I stopped crying because he had left me with more money than I ever dreamed of - 289 million dollars. I was so happy! I went out and began to find men that would sleep with me because I just missed the feeling of being important. I would buy them dinner and anything they desired so long as they would just sleep with me once. And I've been doing that ever since. I can't explain why but I know I like it, and I only sleep with men who are 26. They have to be 26 because that's how old he was when he died, it's like my own little connection to him.

So.....how about it? You want a car or an airplane?

Overly Nerdy D&D Guy

Hi, nice to meet you. My name is Brandon Manager, but my friend's call me Tymmek, son of Greygorn the Highland Warlock of Sh'erotth, High Priest of the Orders of Light and the Breylans, Third-born of the Line of Krymstekk the Doom-Bringer, and Mage of the Karstarshi Plains. And yes, they all call me that, all the time. It took me many years to earn my title and they will respect that! Or I'll burn their houses down with my lightning bolts of fury and pain!!

Sorry, I get carried away sometimes. I'm just very particular about my character and I need the respect that I have earned through my many years of playing D&D.

Growing up in east Philadelphia, born and raised, in the basement was where I spent most of my days. Chillin' out, hiding, relaxin' all cool. Rollin' D-20's all day after school. Me and a couple of guys down in the D&D lair, started to role our new characters down there. I got in my first fight with a goblin or two, and said, "I know my holy missiles can take care of you." I yelled for backup and when they got there, the paladin was frail and the ranger just disappeared. If anything, I said, the fight was ours to be had but an orc horde gave chase and everything turned out bad. We pulled back from the fight, went a different path, and I yelled for my ranger, "Hey Skrymjakk, in the mineshaft!" Looking through the darkness, we were finally free. And we rolled a perception to know what we would see.

Sherman Starshine

Sherman Starshine, 43, unmarried (clearly). Born in the winter of 1970, to a hippie couple named Jon Heaven and Moonchild Starshine, Sherman was poised to lead an unfortunate life - nothing was ever handed to him, mostly on account that he was born without arms. On the day he was born, he slithered from his mother's loins a cold, sloppy disappointment. When his father, Jon, took his first look at his armless, legless son, he demanded to know why Moonchild had given birth to such a reptilian looking beast and promptly slapped Moonchild on his way out the trailer door and out of young Sherman's life forever.

Moonchild did the best she could to love the young Sherman, but each successive day caused her more trauma and disdain for the abomination that was her son. Moonchild did not blame herself, even though during the time of Sherman's conception she had been at Woodstock and enjoying copious amounts of illicit substances, and continued to do so even while she was with child. She blamed Sherman for not being strong enough to hold his own against the poor design that God had given to him, and for not fighting harder to change what he was becoming inside of her. At least twice a week from the time Sherman was born, Moonchild would drop him on his head to free herself from the devilish hatred she had for her child. Unfortunately for Moonchild, the plywood floor of her trailer was moist with mold and termites and proved to be more of a springboard than a floor and Sherman would simply bounce lightly a couple times before coming to a rest and crying.

On Sherman's third birthday, he asked his mother for a new red wagon so she could pull him around town and they could spend more time together. He was tired of being left at home alone while she went out to purchase her medicines and visit all 12 of his uncles, whom he had never met. Moonchild agreed, but only to shut Sherman up from his incessant whining. So Moonchild carried Sherman into town in a used milk crate that had a busted bottom, which made the journey ever more difficult because Sherman kept sliding through the bottom and having to clamp his fragile teeth on the edge of the crate to keep from falling to the pavement. Once they got to the Mott's Five and Dime, Moonchild bought, with her superior oral negotiation skills, the cheapest wagon she could find. She placed the ecstatic Sherman into the wagon and pulled him from the store. On the way home, Moonchild decided to push the wagon from behind so that Sherman could see the world in front of him rather than having to look behind him at what he had already passed. Moonchild pushed Sherman right into the freeway and watched from the sidewalk as two speeding cars whizzed right around him, narrowly missing the helpless boy. Her attempt at freedom failed, Moonchild finally resigned herself to a life of serving her invalid child.

Sherman grew normally, or as normally as a limbless hippie offspring could, and graduated from his remedial high school at the top of his class of three. The other two children he graduated with were technically brain dead before the school year concluded and had both been given diplomas posthumously as a show of respect. After graduating, Sherman took a job as a gas station cashier since it afforded him the ability to work for himself but also sit in one place the way he had always done. One day while working hard to count the nickels in his cash till, Sherman was approached by an itchy young African-American man. The young man offered Sherman a small round sack of baking soda, which Sherman took and ate. From that day forward, Sherman's life would never be the same.

He worked hard at his job, but only to support his habit. A habit that spiraled quickly out of control within three weeks. He was constantly under the influence while working, gave too much change to the customers, and became verbally threatening to anyone who came to his store. He was fired not soon after he spit on the deputy mayor's twin brother in a rage over the new business tax that was passed the week prior. When he asked his former boss to give him a ride to his mother's house, the grumpy old man agreed. But instead of helping him home, his boss tipped Sherman over and rolled him out the door toward the street. Sherman rolled deftly under a semi-truck and a taxi cab before he was struck in the stumps by a motorcycle. He cried out in pain and no one would help him.

After that incident, Sherman lost all faith in humanity save for his connection who started bringing him the latest and the greatest in designer products for him to waste his life away with. Shortly after trying heroin for the first time, Sherman's mother died. He rolled himself to the funeral, a small graveside service, but he was so late and disoriented by the time he arrived, the cemetery workers were about to lower his mother into the grave. Sherman frantically rolled faster and faster to say his last goodbyes to Moonchild, but got going too fast and couldn't keep himself from rolling into the grave. The workers didn't notice and lowered the casket down on top of Sherman. He screamed in agony and they quickly realized what they had done. One of the men, apologetically, took Sherman home with him to feed and bathe him. While the two sat around talking, the man asked Sherman if he had been born without ALL of his limbs. Sherman, confused by the question, told him that yes he had no limbs or was he blind?

The man then pounced on Sherman and attempted to disrobe his lower half, pulling mightily at the cloth diaper Sherman was accustomed to wearing. Sherman soon realized what the man meant and didn't bother to fight, even offered to repay the favor if the man had a fix for him.

Sherman, because of this chance encounter, turned to a life of tricks. He has since contracted several stds, most of them many times over, as well as AIDS. Now he sits in his trailer, men revolving in and out the door, leaving only stains on his chin and drugs in veins. Sherman doesn't cry much anymore, he is desensitized to all his life has become. The only thing he asks anyone anymore is for them to rewind his cassette recording of Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart" so he can hear it one more time as he waits and prays for his life to end.

Momma's Boy

Oh, c'mon, man! That was such trash! Stupid lag compensation BS! I totally got that guy first! I was on a huge killstreak and that stupid lag compensation garbage ruined it! I so shoulda had my nuke on that! I HATE THIS GAME!

Hey, mom. Mom! MOM!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! I NEED MORE DEW! MY DOUBLE XP IS ABOUT TO RUN OUT AND I DON'T HAVE ANYMORE DOWN HERE!

I DON'T CARE IF YOUR BRIDGE CLUB IS HERE! I! NEED! MORE! DEW! AND ANOTHER BAG OF DORITIOS!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!

DON'T TELL ME I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I KNOW WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!! NOW BRING ME MY ^@(^#&(!* MOUNTAIN DEW!!

It's about time you got your lazy self down here. Hey, where's my dew?! I TOLD YOU TO BRING ME A DEW! DON'T MAKE ME CALL DAD AGAIN!

No! He does too care! He said that when he was gone I was man of the house and since he's gone that means you do what I tell you! NOW, GO GET ME A DEW!

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING YOU CRAZY WENCH?!! DON'T #$%^&*ING TOUCH MY XBOX!! I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU UNPLUG THAT I'M GONNA GO CRAY CRAY ON YOUR OLD FACE! Mom....

Mom....no. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I CANT BELIEVE YOU JUST BEAT MY XBOX WITH A GOLF CLUB! THAT'S SO UNFAIR!!

You know what, mom? Just for that I'm gonna put you in the worst possible nursing home I can find like tomorrow. I HAATE YOU! I! HATE! YOU!!!!! Can't believe you just destroyed my entire life! I'm glad you have cancer! THEN WHEN YOU DIE YOU CAN'T SCREW WITH MY GAMES ANYMORE! HURRY UP AND CROAK! YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHh!!!!!

The First Ever Mugshot Diary

Man, I ain't even do nothin an dis how I end up? Ain't right I tell ya. I was jes mindin my own bidness, tryna grab a quick bite t'eat wit my girl, Loshawdrah, over to the Pik-n-Sav. Well, maybe dat ain't espressly true. We was tryna grab some booze on da sly an a couple dem wiener on a stick thangs cuz we was hungry. So we walk in, an this chick I ain't nevuh even seen befo come at me like I owe her sum esplanashun bout where I been all dis time.

Loshawdrah, I calls her Losha, like dat Roberry Logia dude from da family guy. So Losha look at me all cray cray wit dem eyes a hers dat sez she bout to get wit it, you kno? An right bout dat time, it hit me. Dis chick, dat aint stop screamin bout I owe her my chil sport, was my high school hottie, Bonefica Blondstein. Man, she was fine back in the day. She was half Dominican, half Jewish...it was weird but it did me ok. But dang, time ain't be no good t'her. She got all bloated an what not, I din't even recanize huh.

So Losha and Boney Bone, that were her name cuz, well, you know wha I'm sayin, they start goin at it right thur in da sto. Hair pullin, scratchin, yellin an carryin on. I tried to stop it but you know you don't get between two chickens when dey go to scrapin. An den olive a sutten, boff dem turn on me. An now I's covered in dis moldy smellin cheese sauce and gettin shoved in a cop car fo nothin, man. Don't make no sense!

The Free-Runner for Freedom

Sup? My name's Mason Granthananthanam. I'm a rock solid 32 year old free-runner, and I'm a total bro. I've been free running since before free running was a thing, so I don't know why all these other guys think they are better at it than I am, or why they are all way more famous than me. Maybe it's my name....nah! That can't be right. You don't get more awesome than the name Mason Granthananthanam. I remember this one time, in Paris, I was working on a new move that I had invented, I called it the Gracious Gazelle, you've never heard of it? Dude, bro! You clearly ain't no fan of free running. This move is sick, and everybody who's anybody has tried to copy it.

Anyway, I was working on the Gracious Gazelle down near Monmartre, that's a place in Paris that has like these awesome steps and flag poles and stuff to do your free running training. So I was there at Monmartre, and doing the walkthrough for the Gracious Gazelle - it was basically a move where I ran up to a wall and bounded over the top of it without touching it, sort of how the European Union hasn't been able to touch the Greecian debt, hahahaha. See that's funny cause Greece is poor and, well, never mind. So it basically went like this, I'd run up to the wall and jump over it, without touching it, and I would twist and flip to my back and land in a reverse handstand and then flip to my feet and keep going. It was a work of art, really. So I worked on this move, the Gracious Gazelle, I told you that was what it was called, right? Well, while I was doing the Gracious Gazelle, this guy come over to me and asked what I was doing. He told me he was a free runner, too, and that my move would never work cause he was ranked in the top 5 of the world and could tell that I didn't really have the skills to pull it off. And I challenged him. I told him there was no way he could beat me, and we had ourselves a HORSE match of free running.

He ended up losing to me, cause well, I'm the best. My winning trick was a double backflip, 725 twisting, layout handpush wallbanger run around. And I did it off the top of the Eiffel Tower. Now before you go thinking too much that two twists would only be a 720, let me tell you that anybody can do a 720, but only Mason Granthananthanam can pull of the precision of going just five degrees more. You ever heard of anyone else that could use that much precision and finesse in free running? No, I don't think so. And that's just who Mason Granthananthanam is - I'm the guy that goes that extra mile no matter what. I'm always better than everybody, no matter what they have done or try to do.

I guess the real thrill of it, for me, is that my free running, and being the best at everything, is really helping the rebirth and growth of the Greecian economy. See, I'm three quarters Greek, on my mother's side, and it really hurts to see my people hurting like that. So I free run and bring attention to free running, and to Mason Granthananthanam, and I show people that free running is the way to get the economic ruin back on it's feet. It's inspirational, bro! Free running, as a sport, and a job, shows the leaders and economic bigwigs that no matter what happens, if you fall off a roof and land on a car three stories below, you can get up and walk away. Like even if you make a mistake and, I don't know, puncture your spleen on the wing of a Athenian cherub statue while you're trying to climb the Parthenon, you can still hop right up and take on the challenge of getting to the top. I'm basically, single-handedly, about to skyrocket Greece back to a prominent world power by free running, it's what I was born to do. Well, I was also born to raise my lovely daughter, Amelioloria Granthananthanam.

She's a true gem, that one, but my only regret is that she spent so long with her mother. See her mom is a competitive eater, and well, Amelioloria unfortunately acquired many of her mother's eating habits. She's fat is what I'm saying. That's my greatest shame - that I, Mason Granthananthanam, have a fat daughter. And when I say fat, I know you think you have fat people in your family, but let me tell you, she is like super freaking fat. Think Shamu meets Harry from Harry and the Hendersons mixed with Mama June, and that's my Amelioloria. And actually, I've been trying to embrace her fatness rather than change it because she seems comfortable with herself. I've been shopping a story idea around to some of the TV networks.

We would call the show, Super-Fat. It would star Amelioloria, obviously, as a hip, slick talking, crime fighting detective in the mean streets of New Haven, Connecticut. She'd chase the evil-doers and stop their dasterdly plots through the use of food as her weapon. She'd have an awesome, free-running sidekick, probably played by Mason Granthananthanam, who would be a good counterpoint, a bastion of health and wellness, to her obesity and girth. And her sidekick would usually be the one to catch the bad guys in the end, because despite Super-Fat's best efforts, she would always end up getting distracted by the many fried, fatty, fast food joints that happened to be near her while she was chasing the bad guy.

So far, NBC, ABC, CBS, ABC Family, TruTV, and Spike have all said no. Sci-fi is thinking about it, and partnering us with Stan Lee for a comic book deal, and we have a strong pull with Univision for some reason. Well, I'm out. Gotta go train some more to make all these noobs look a fool in the free running world. Later, bro!

The Unwitting Prostitute

Hay, girl, hay! It's me, Sprinkles! I bet you didn't recognize me without all my makeup on, did you? I been tryin real hard not to wear so much, apparently it's bad for your skin, and guuuuuurl you know how I like my skin to be porcelain smooth. N-E-waiz, so a lot has happened since last time you seen me. I got that surgery I was telling you about, so now we can go to the restroom together and braid each other's hair and gossip about how much men are pigs! Well, you can braid my wig cause my hair hasn't grown too much - guess I need to start doubling up on my estrogen meds.

I'm so happy to finally be rid of that awful thing between my legs, it was just in the way of who I really am and now I can be F-A-B-olous! I haven't been able to get much steady work lately since I went through surgery. People keep telling me I'm not qualified for the positions I apply for, but guuurl you know I'm qualified every position there is. You know what I mean. Teehee, I'm nasty! So since I can't get a good steady job, I just been hanging out with these super nice girls down around the train depot. We get together each night, dressed up all sexy and what not, and stand down there talking and drinking out of paper bags. Every so often a car will pull up and talk to us. Sometimes one of the other girls gets in the car and drives off, but they always come back after a couple hours. CeeCee is always getting into cars, she really likes these cars I guess cause when she comes back, she's always out of breath and looks really happy. I guess the guy lets her drive the car around really fast or something.

I've never been asked to get in a car and go drive it for someone, maybe I need to change my makeup or shave my beard off or something.

N-E-waiz, I guess I better get going. I gotta meet CeeCee, DeeDee, and Kitten in a little while. Hope to catch up with you again soon. Oh! We should totally do lunch next week! Like I said, I don't have much money but I know a killer soup kitchen down by the Episcopal church on Ninth Street that always gives out double portions. I'll call you!

Hey! Why are you running away? I need your phone number!!! Guuuuuuuurl, come back! How are we supposed to be besties if you always run away from me! Okay, well I'll find you!

(whispers) I always find you...

The Magnum P.I.(e) Guy

Hallo! My name is called Stanislas Borochinski and I am from the great and powerful nation of Russia! When was I little babushka, that's like little doll, when I was little babushka my mother she give in to my birth process - she die. And my father must have to make the taking care of me and my two older brothers, Grigor and Fyodor. We grew up in small town in eastern Russia for little while before dada could no longer make the taking care of us. He ship my brothers to German cousins to live in life of luxurious happening, I never see them again. And he send me to orphanage because I was small and frail; he did not want for me to be made the fun of in Germany since was Germans are great of physique.

At orphanage I meet many fun and exciting childrens that I make friend of, but as soon as I make friend they get sold to new mama and dada for potato sacks and rice cake. It was very lonely life for me to be orphanage all alone. I never want get close to people or make friend because I am scared they will be turned into potato. One day, when I was turning the ten year old, a strange looking dada come to orphanage for to make choice of child to turn into potato. He look over the pickings, slim at the time, we had just not many children left - many had died of the cold frost in winter and others that were left just look too sickly and ugly. This dada, after he walk around and see the stock for to make potato, he choose me! I had no believings of it! So imagine my excite when on my tenth year I get picked for to be made potato!

My new dada, he was nice man. Soon as he take me from orphanage we go to aerospace plane and he take me to new home. On plane ride I get to eat little baggie peanuts and drink tiny baby soda cans, as many as I had to want. My new dada's name was Sam, but he told me to call him Big Papa, and to throw my hands in the air if I was true playa. I knew not what this means but I was do anything for Big Papa cause he turn me to potato. We arrive at my new home in the America, I had not knowing that we was to go to the America because Big Papa not had tell me this. So we arrive on my new home in place called Hawaii, and boy I was super excite! Hawaii was green and warm, so much the different from Russia where cold is all we know.

I learn much from Big Papa in my first days on America. I found out that you not can shoot animals in street because they are someone pets, I find out what it is a McDonald hamburger, and even learn about many different picture movies that I can watch on the small box video player in the house. I love the TV! I watch many different shows but some of them confuse me. There was show I used to watch called the Different Strokes, it was definitely not what I expect it to be. I thought it would be the educational show about self-love but it was only about family and how different family member can be from each other. There was also other show, I forget name, but when Big Papa tell me about it and there was man on show he called Dynamite, I was to expecting a show about explode the cars and buildings. I was disappoint to see another show about family issues. I stop watching TV with Big Papa after that and find my own shows to watching because I did not like the family problem shows.

One day Big Papa was out to go working and I was home from school with fevers, so I turning channels on TV from my bed. I come across a show with a man in mustache who has small Chinese friend that look like a potato. The show was even take the place in my home of Hawaii! It made me excite to see. The show was the Magnum Pie. I LOVE the Magnum Pie! It was to making for me all I want in TV show - explodings and shooting and many, many boat chasings. I love the Magnum Pie so much it make me who I am being today. I grow mustache like the Tom Selleck and wear only the Hawaii shirt and ride mopedocycle all around the island.

Big Papa has long ago made the death, and I grew sadly. Now many my days I spend on beach looking at whales and hoping to see turtles give the birth to new life. I am lonely again like I was before Big Papa making me for potato but at least I will always have the Magnum Pie to keep company me when I need for him.

I Want to Play a Game

It started out as a game, a way to pass the time between friends at work. The game was simple - take a mugshot from the internet and create an elaborate backstory or a funny concept for the person in the picture. No winners, no losers, just a way to make each other laugh. Pretty simple, really. And now here we are. I decided to start this as a sort of "Hall of Fame" - a compilation of the best stories we came up with, or a continuation of the game on a larger scale. I don't expect this will gain much popularity but we'll see what happens. If you are reading this and feel compelled, send us a challenge or even your own submission, and we'll see if it makes us laugh. Maybe we'll use it. For now, here's one to get us started. It's entitled, "The Audition".

Hay there, fellas. My name is Sharla Van Shorn. I'm 53 years old, from backwater Mississippi. I'm spry, wriggly, and I can bite purdy good. As you can see, I think I'd be the perfect candidate to come and play a walker on your little show. I really like The Walking Dead, what I know of it, cause it has everything I've been brought up to believe in - the injustice of the world, good hard country livin', and lots and lots of blood. I knew I was destined to be a part of the show from the first day I watched it.

When Sheriff Rick met up with that first zombie walker in the first episode, I said to myself, "Kyle," that's what I call my inner voice, Kyle. So I said, "Kyle, you gotta do what you gotta do to get on that show. It was meant for you." That night after the show, I started gettin my look right for this audition letter. I shaved off the sides of my head and did a totally messed up mullet thing cause I think that it's a good look for the undead. Honestly, you can never really go wrong with a well-kept mullet especially if you get it to look like that gorgeous Billy Ray Cyrus. Man, I love him he's my inspiration and role model for my life. That daughter of his though, she needs a whoopin' something fierce. To me a mullet is an absolutely essential part of life, sort of like how it's also very important to sleep with your brothers. Well, not really sleepin' with them, more of a - y'all know what? I've said too much. Jest forget I brought my brothers into me....uh, this. Yeah.

Anyway, like I was sayin' I cut my hair to the perfect mullet and I started to starve myself to get all weak and frail lookin'. I done a pretty dang ol' good job, huh? Bet you didn't know that before I started this process six months ago that I weighed near 500 lbs. I looked like Gilbert Grape's momma off to that one movie what had that Johnny Depp in it. Boy, what I wouldn't give to have him depp inside me. Dang it, Kyle! Stop talking that-a way. Well, like I says, I couldn't move off my couch and didn't even know that I had sat on my beloved dog, Blue, and kilt him dead. I always just thought he run off to find him some heat and spread the love. My husband, Greg, he don't think this is a good idea, says it ain't right to lose all this weight cause he liked me big and fluffy and unable to move off the couch so as he could have his way with me more easy. But it's ok cause he dead now.

After I lost all my weight, I needed to practice my shambling, hobbling, and running so I took to chasing Greg round the house. I was really into it, I mean REALLY in to it. One day I finally caught up to him and I did what any good zombie would do and I bit his ankles so he couldn't walk no more and then I ate him. Well, not all of him. I still have a leg, an arm, and part of his pancreas in the freezer for when I get peckish.

Well, after all that training. I decided that if I was gonna be a zombie I bet at some point I would lose my teeth. So I pulled some of them out with help from my friend and neighbor, Miss Jo. She's a good lady, older than dirt and fragile, but she sure can slam on the gas of an old Caddy-lac. See, I knew she and I wouldn't have the strenth to pull my teeth out with the rusty pair of pliers I had used to disembowel my dear Greg, so we took a thin piece of balin' wire and shimmed it up between my teeth, luckily I already had the gaps to accommodate that, and we tied the balin' wire to a shoestring. Took the shoestring and tied it to a small rope, the small rope to a bigger rope, and another bigger rope, and finally a chain. We hooked the chain up to the hitch on that old Caddy-lac and she floored it. Took about five tries to get the first tooth pulled, but the others were pretty easy. I mean, once my jaw was broken things just sort of started falling out on they own.

Well, that's my submission. I know y'all is always looking for some new zombies and I hope that you pick me, Sharla Van Shorn. Thank y'all for yer time. See you on the undead side.