The Magnum P.I.(e) Guy

Hallo! My name is called Stanislas Borochinski and I am from the great and powerful nation of Russia! When was I little babushka, that's like little doll, when I was little babushka my mother she give in to my birth process - she die. And my father must have to make the taking care of me and my two older brothers, Grigor and Fyodor. We grew up in small town in eastern Russia for little while before dada could no longer make the taking care of us. He ship my brothers to German cousins to live in life of luxurious happening, I never see them again. And he send me to orphanage because I was small and frail; he did not want for me to be made the fun of in Germany since was Germans are great of physique.

At orphanage I meet many fun and exciting childrens that I make friend of, but as soon as I make friend they get sold to new mama and dada for potato sacks and rice cake. It was very lonely life for me to be orphanage all alone. I never want get close to people or make friend because I am scared they will be turned into potato. One day, when I was turning the ten year old, a strange looking dada come to orphanage for to make choice of child to turn into potato. He look over the pickings, slim at the time, we had just not many children left - many had died of the cold frost in winter and others that were left just look too sickly and ugly. This dada, after he walk around and see the stock for to make potato, he choose me! I had no believings of it! So imagine my excite when on my tenth year I get picked for to be made potato!

My new dada, he was nice man. Soon as he take me from orphanage we go to aerospace plane and he take me to new home. On plane ride I get to eat little baggie peanuts and drink tiny baby soda cans, as many as I had to want. My new dada's name was Sam, but he told me to call him Big Papa, and to throw my hands in the air if I was true playa. I knew not what this means but I was do anything for Big Papa cause he turn me to potato. We arrive at my new home in the America, I had not knowing that we was to go to the America because Big Papa not had tell me this. So we arrive on my new home in place called Hawaii, and boy I was super excite! Hawaii was green and warm, so much the different from Russia where cold is all we know.

I learn much from Big Papa in my first days on America. I found out that you not can shoot animals in street because they are someone pets, I find out what it is a McDonald hamburger, and even learn about many different picture movies that I can watch on the small box video player in the house. I love the TV! I watch many different shows but some of them confuse me. There was show I used to watch called the Different Strokes, it was definitely not what I expect it to be. I thought it would be the educational show about self-love but it was only about family and how different family member can be from each other. There was also other show, I forget name, but when Big Papa tell me about it and there was man on show he called Dynamite, I was to expecting a show about explode the cars and buildings. I was disappoint to see another show about family issues. I stop watching TV with Big Papa after that and find my own shows to watching because I did not like the family problem shows.

One day Big Papa was out to go working and I was home from school with fevers, so I turning channels on TV from my bed. I come across a show with a man in mustache who has small Chinese friend that look like a potato. The show was even take the place in my home of Hawaii! It made me excite to see. The show was the Magnum Pie. I LOVE the Magnum Pie! It was to making for me all I want in TV show - explodings and shooting and many, many boat chasings. I love the Magnum Pie so much it make me who I am being today. I grow mustache like the Tom Selleck and wear only the Hawaii shirt and ride mopedocycle all around the island.

Big Papa has long ago made the death, and I grew sadly. Now many my days I spend on beach looking at whales and hoping to see turtles give the birth to new life. I am lonely again like I was before Big Papa making me for potato but at least I will always have the Magnum Pie to keep company me when I need for him.

I Want to Play a Game

It started out as a game, a way to pass the time between friends at work. The game was simple - take a mugshot from the internet and create an elaborate backstory or a funny concept for the person in the picture. No winners, no losers, just a way to make each other laugh. Pretty simple, really. And now here we are. I decided to start this as a sort of "Hall of Fame" - a compilation of the best stories we came up with, or a continuation of the game on a larger scale. I don't expect this will gain much popularity but we'll see what happens. If you are reading this and feel compelled, send us a challenge or even your own submission, and we'll see if it makes us laugh. Maybe we'll use it. For now, here's one to get us started. It's entitled, "The Audition".

Hay there, fellas. My name is Sharla Van Shorn. I'm 53 years old, from backwater Mississippi. I'm spry, wriggly, and I can bite purdy good. As you can see, I think I'd be the perfect candidate to come and play a walker on your little show. I really like The Walking Dead, what I know of it, cause it has everything I've been brought up to believe in - the injustice of the world, good hard country livin', and lots and lots of blood. I knew I was destined to be a part of the show from the first day I watched it.

When Sheriff Rick met up with that first zombie walker in the first episode, I said to myself, "Kyle," that's what I call my inner voice, Kyle. So I said, "Kyle, you gotta do what you gotta do to get on that show. It was meant for you." That night after the show, I started gettin my look right for this audition letter. I shaved off the sides of my head and did a totally messed up mullet thing cause I think that it's a good look for the undead. Honestly, you can never really go wrong with a well-kept mullet especially if you get it to look like that gorgeous Billy Ray Cyrus. Man, I love him he's my inspiration and role model for my life. That daughter of his though, she needs a whoopin' something fierce. To me a mullet is an absolutely essential part of life, sort of like how it's also very important to sleep with your brothers. Well, not really sleepin' with them, more of a - y'all know what? I've said too much. Jest forget I brought my brothers into me....uh, this. Yeah.

Anyway, like I was sayin' I cut my hair to the perfect mullet and I started to starve myself to get all weak and frail lookin'. I done a pretty dang ol' good job, huh? Bet you didn't know that before I started this process six months ago that I weighed near 500 lbs. I looked like Gilbert Grape's momma off to that one movie what had that Johnny Depp in it. Boy, what I wouldn't give to have him depp inside me. Dang it, Kyle! Stop talking that-a way. Well, like I says, I couldn't move off my couch and didn't even know that I had sat on my beloved dog, Blue, and kilt him dead. I always just thought he run off to find him some heat and spread the love. My husband, Greg, he don't think this is a good idea, says it ain't right to lose all this weight cause he liked me big and fluffy and unable to move off the couch so as he could have his way with me more easy. But it's ok cause he dead now.

After I lost all my weight, I needed to practice my shambling, hobbling, and running so I took to chasing Greg round the house. I was really into it, I mean REALLY in to it. One day I finally caught up to him and I did what any good zombie would do and I bit his ankles so he couldn't walk no more and then I ate him. Well, not all of him. I still have a leg, an arm, and part of his pancreas in the freezer for when I get peckish.

Well, after all that training. I decided that if I was gonna be a zombie I bet at some point I would lose my teeth. So I pulled some of them out with help from my friend and neighbor, Miss Jo. She's a good lady, older than dirt and fragile, but she sure can slam on the gas of an old Caddy-lac. See, I knew she and I wouldn't have the strenth to pull my teeth out with the rusty pair of pliers I had used to disembowel my dear Greg, so we took a thin piece of balin' wire and shimmed it up between my teeth, luckily I already had the gaps to accommodate that, and we tied the balin' wire to a shoestring. Took the shoestring and tied it to a small rope, the small rope to a bigger rope, and another bigger rope, and finally a chain. We hooked the chain up to the hitch on that old Caddy-lac and she floored it. Took about five tries to get the first tooth pulled, but the others were pretty easy. I mean, once my jaw was broken things just sort of started falling out on they own.

Well, that's my submission. I know y'all is always looking for some new zombies and I hope that you pick me, Sharla Van Shorn. Thank y'all for yer time. See you on the undead side.