The Accidental White Supremacist

Hey, umm, hi. Hi. I guess you're wondering about, well, about these tattoos. Well, I guess to start, I'm Stewart, Stewart T Goldblum. Hi. I am 43 years old, and I'm from Nipsantucks, Indiana. I am, well, I was, yeah, I was an electronic bank engineer at the Nipsantucks National Bank of Nipsantucks, Indiana. By that, I mean I was the guy that, I guess what you'd call it was, I, well, I, I put the money into the ATMs around town so that, so that people could get money out of their account. Gosh, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just so nervous. I can't really, or shouldn't really be talk, talking to you right now.

Anyway, while I was working as an electronic bank engineer, I was approached by a gentleman that looked a lot like, umm, he, well, he was like Professor X from The X-Men. And he asked me, no that's not right, he, umm, he told me that he had been watch-, watching me for a long time. He asked me a bunch of different questions about my personal belief systems, which I thought was a little weird, to say the least. At the end, he, well, gosh, he told me that I was going to be needed to do some "things" for him. I swore to myself, a long time ago, that all that stuff was behind me. I mean, those kind of things were what got me kicked out of the Nipsantucks Community College for Technology and Trades. Luckily, he just wanted me to steal money from my job, so that was a blessing.

The only thing was, he said, I was going to have to be initiated to his group. He said he was, he was part of the new KKK, and that since I was going to do this, I had to be part of it. I was ok with it, sort of, but I knew I would have to be persuasive cause, well, cause I'm, I'm very, ummm, Jewish.

So, I, well, I went and got initiated, nervously. And then I started working for the man who recruited me. I started small, taking five dollars here and there from my cash bag, but soon, I was, oh God, I was taking over 500 dollars. That was after only a couple of days. The power was exhilarating. After I got a good amount of cash for my man, I was told that I needed to get tattooed. I wasn't particularly happy about the idea, but I needed to go through with the farce. So, I got these tattoos on my, on my face and neck cause I figured that would help my cred. And I got vegan cause, well, cause I'm, I'm a vegan. My new friends thought I was weird but they totally accepted me for who I am. They even gave me a party! Well, a boot party, but still it was a party just for me.

Anyway, so I kept on making money for my new friends and getting random tattoos to show I was really a part of the gang. By the end of my first month, I was bringing in almost 4500 dollars a week. Then I got fired. My employers found out what I was doing and they said I was going to be lucky that they weren't going to file charges. Once I got fired, my new friends, they, well, they, had no more use for me. I had no viable skills for their drug operations or their prostitution rings or the political corruption campaigns. They said I needed to go. So I left but they, they followed me around. I thought once I left that was the end of it but they meant they needed to kill me.

So, here I am. Shaking, scared, and vegan. All Jewish, no filler. And I'm scared, man. I need to get out of the country, or something. I just, I just want to be my good, Jewish self again. My whole life has been such a mistake!

The Confused Veteran

Huh?! What did you say?! No, they WANT you to take the rolls!

What?! Oh, oh, sorry. My apologies, young lady. What's that? You're a man?! Certainly not with THAT hair, or those clothes. You look an awful lot like my late wife's macaw. That's a bird, sonny, real colorful like with the feathers sticking up of its' head. Why you wanna dress up like some hussied up streetwalker? Errghhh, whatever, I don't need to hear none o' yer explaining.

The name's Billingsley, Sergeant L. Orville Billingsley, Army Rangers, 9th Airborne Batallion, Charlie Company. And that's how introduce yourself, sonny. None of that, "Sup, doggie doggie, homely G-money" crap! What is wrong with your generation, boy? All of you running around dressing like your women, acting like women, and you ain't even ATTRACTED to women. What is this nonsense? Back in my day, if you were a man, you were a man! You dressed like a man, you loved women like a man, and you WORKED like a man. All you young'uns now want to be paid for doing nothing but being alive, and you walk around listening to that hippity hoppity music all day. It's shameful!

I can't believe I nearly died for this country back in WW2 and now this is what has happened to my beloved country. Boys act like girls, girls act like boys, and all of you think that I'm a problem because I tell you the truth! You got no respect, sonny! If'n you was mine, I'd have left you in the cold Michigan winter naked and seen if you could survive it. That would make you appreciate your life!

So, really, tell me boy, what is it about all this hippity hoppity music, the fru-fru coffee drinks, and them apple macintosh gadgets that make you think you are being a man? I just can't get my head around it. And where do you come off voting Democrat?!! You, your parents, and your illegitimate children that you have on welfare ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Don't you know that all them democrats want is to make you a slave to their government machine?! It's saddens me, but you gonna do what you gonna do I guess.

Well, I guess I wasted enough o' yer time, seein' as you won't listen to reason anyway. Sorry to bother you, girl...uh, boy.