The Family Plan

So, I have a problem, well it's not really a problem but it's something that has been bugging me for quite a while now. It's my family. Well, not really my family but more the fact that we all share the same nickname. And I don't know how or why it happened that way, but it has and it just, it has to be like, one of life's great mysteries, and I need an answer! Maybe you can help me out.

I guess if you're gonna help me, you need to know a little bit about me and my family. Well, first off, we all share the nickname, 'X'. And there is ten of us in the family, so you can see how's it would get confusing, especially when someone calls over to the house and asks for 'X'. We have to put all ten of us on the phone, in turn, until they figure out which one it is they want to talk to. And I mean, we all have different names and different circles of friends so I don't know how we all ended up with the same nickname.

So, anyway, we all live in a fairly nice trailer park together, just south of Mobile, Alabama. My dad, Malcolm, is a highly successful lawn and garden structural engineer, he specializes in topiaries that bear a striking resemblance to dear old number 3, Dale Earnhardt. Dad is very popular around the trailer parks for that. My mom, Anne, she used to be a cafeteria lady at the elementary school until what we like to refer to as "the incident." See, she was making chili for the lunch meal one day a few years back - y'know, chopping up the hamburger meat and mixing the tomato base and what all. And the night before, we had been down to the Shrimp Shanty, it's a real great place to get some almost fresh seafood on the cheap.

Anyway, we went to the Shrimp Shanty and momma had ordered her like four dozen raw oysters, well they didn't sit too well in her stomach or maybe they had already turned, they did have a sort of pungent stench about 'em. And well, they came at her with a vengeance that you only ever really see in horror movies. So, as she was making the chili, her stomach turnt on her and she couldn't make it to the restroom. And that's how come momma got fired from the school.

And now, my siblings, there really ain't much to tell on them for, exceptin' that momma and dad had a tendency to pick some really odd names for us kids. In order, we have my sister, Carm, she's a stripper to the Spearmint Rhino. My brother, Pan, he's a diesel mechanic's apprentice's gopher, part time, and he works down the Piggly Wiggly most nights, restocking the femineminem hygenical products on aisle 5. My other brother, Tripple, he's a log jammer down the Mississippi when the season's right. My third brother, Mann, well, he's currently out of work due to an unforseen accident involving a forklift, three underage girls, a nail gun, and some vodka. Then there's me, my name is Skrill, and I'm a local DJ on the AM radio station. I have a prime time slot from 3:15AM to 3:37AM where I get to play my one song for the day, provided it's not and electronica, dnb, or dubstep, which sucks cause that's all the music I like to listen to.

And then there's my three kid sisters, they is triplets. Momma and daddy didn't want no more kids, but they figured what the heck, one more won't hurt and then came the three sirens. My kid sisters are, Gen, Tru, and Rain. All three of them are still young enough to be in school, and are part of the reason that our brother, Mann, is currently unemployed. Don't judge.

So anyway, that's my family, and I just can't figure out why all of us are called by the same nickname. It doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, our names don't really seem like they are all that close together so as we should even have to share a nickname. Like, I have a friend and him and his brother use the same nickname but I can understand that one since they used to be conjoined twins. You uh, you wanna know where they were joined at? Oh, man, it's hilarious! They was joined at the butt! And not like they had three butt cheeks and shared the middle, no, no, no. They both have two butt cheeks, but they were fused to each other! They were born back to back with their cracks together. I've seen pictures, it was hilarious. And the best part is, they didn't get to get taken apart until they were four years old! I can't imagine what that was like, trying to take a dump...I wonder if they butts got synchronized like what girls do with their lady times.

Anyway, I better jet, I got things to do. Still wish I knew how come my family all has the same nickname....effin' weird!

The Accidental White Supremacist

Hey, umm, hi. Hi. I guess you're wondering about, well, about these tattoos. Well, I guess to start, I'm Stewart, Stewart T Goldblum. Hi. I am 43 years old, and I'm from Nipsantucks, Indiana. I am, well, I was, yeah, I was an electronic bank engineer at the Nipsantucks National Bank of Nipsantucks, Indiana. By that, I mean I was the guy that, I guess what you'd call it was, I, well, I, I put the money into the ATMs around town so that, so that people could get money out of their account. Gosh, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm just so nervous. I can't really, or shouldn't really be talk, talking to you right now.

Anyway, while I was working as an electronic bank engineer, I was approached by a gentleman that looked a lot like, umm, he, well, he was like Professor X from The X-Men. And he asked me, no that's not right, he, umm, he told me that he had been watch-, watching me for a long time. He asked me a bunch of different questions about my personal belief systems, which I thought was a little weird, to say the least. At the end, he, well, gosh, he told me that I was going to be needed to do some "things" for him. I swore to myself, a long time ago, that all that stuff was behind me. I mean, those kind of things were what got me kicked out of the Nipsantucks Community College for Technology and Trades. Luckily, he just wanted me to steal money from my job, so that was a blessing.

The only thing was, he said, I was going to have to be initiated to his group. He said he was, he was part of the new KKK, and that since I was going to do this, I had to be part of it. I was ok with it, sort of, but I knew I would have to be persuasive cause, well, cause I'm, I'm very, ummm, Jewish.

So, I, well, I went and got initiated, nervously. And then I started working for the man who recruited me. I started small, taking five dollars here and there from my cash bag, but soon, I was, oh God, I was taking over 500 dollars. That was after only a couple of days. The power was exhilarating. After I got a good amount of cash for my man, I was told that I needed to get tattooed. I wasn't particularly happy about the idea, but I needed to go through with the farce. So, I got these tattoos on my, on my face and neck cause I figured that would help my cred. And I got vegan cause, well, cause I'm, I'm a vegan. My new friends thought I was weird but they totally accepted me for who I am. They even gave me a party! Well, a boot party, but still it was a party just for me.

Anyway, so I kept on making money for my new friends and getting random tattoos to show I was really a part of the gang. By the end of my first month, I was bringing in almost 4500 dollars a week. Then I got fired. My employers found out what I was doing and they said I was going to be lucky that they weren't going to file charges. Once I got fired, my new friends, they, well, they, had no more use for me. I had no viable skills for their drug operations or their prostitution rings or the political corruption campaigns. They said I needed to go. So I left but they, they followed me around. I thought once I left that was the end of it but they meant they needed to kill me.

So, here I am. Shaking, scared, and vegan. All Jewish, no filler. And I'm scared, man. I need to get out of the country, or something. I just, I just want to be my good, Jewish self again. My whole life has been such a mistake!